I do not usually read the Dear Abby column in the newspaper. I usually do not even have the time to read the newspaper. But for some reason, today was different. I was perusing the newspaper at work today while I was eating lunch. For some reason, as I approached the comic section of the paper (my 2nd favorite section of the paper, behind the Sports section), my attention was drawn to the Dear Abby column. Maybe it was the heading of the article. Maybe my curiosity got the best of me. I don't know why I looked at it, but I did, and what I read took me by surprise.
First, I am not sure why people write into Dear Abby or Ann Landers. The advice that is given by these columnists is not usually good advice. I can't believe that these people that are asking for advice have no one else to go to, whether friends, family, co-workers, pastor, or anyone close to them. In a nationally syndicated column, why would you choose to show how pathetic you are by asking for bad advice from a stranger?
Well, here is the situation from a person labelling themselves as 'What Happened in Vegas.'
DEAR ABBY: "Darrel" and I have been married 28 years. I thought we had an easy, comfortable relationship. We have no children; it's just the two of us with a large family of furry animals. We don't take vacations together because one of us has to be home to care for the animals.
Last year Darrel took four trips to Las Vegas -- two for business and two for special sporting events. I'm beginning to get little nagging signals that he may not have been on these trips alone.
He shuts his phone off for hours at a time and changed the password on his computer after I had to get on it for a security update. The last time he went, he told me he had won two tickets in Las Vegas to a show, so I asked him to bring the extra one home so I could see it. When he returned, he didn't have it. He said he had misplaced it.
There are other things, too, and I don't know what to think. I don't want to hurt his feelings if there isn't anything going on, but I need to know. What do I do? -- WHAT HAPPENED IN VEGAS?
So, what is wrong with this picture? First, there is a serious problem in this marriage. They go on separate vacations. As a married couple, you should strive to do things together, to draw closer together, to enjoy the company of each other. Obviously, there is very little communication. He turns his phone off so she cannot get in touch with him. He does not do something that she has asked of him.
Second, in the place of children and in place of each other, these people have pets. And they allow these pets to get in between them. They do not go on vacation together because someone needs to stay home with the animals that they call family. Now, there is nothing wrong with pets, but if the pets come between you and your spouse, you have a serious problem. How in the world do you choose to stay home from a vacation with your spouse because you cannot leave the pets under the care of someone else while you are gone? How could you put the family pet above the relationship with your spouse?
I am not going to condone the behavior of the husband, but if the wife is rejecting him because the pets are more important to her, can you understand why he might stray in the marriage? He is longing for attention, and his wife is not giving it to him. Spouses need to have the attention and love of the other partner in the marriage in order for that marriage to be successful.
The problem then becomes that she goes to an outside source for an answer to the problem. Instead of approaching her husband to find out what is going on, she turns to a nationally syndicated columnist known for giving questionable advice. So, in the tradition of giving bad advice, Dear Abby gives this answer to the wife in distress.
DEAR WHAT HAPPENED IN VEGAS: If your intuition is telling you that something is wrong, listen to it. Tell Darrel you're feeling insecure and why. Start going with him to Las Vegas. Hire a pet sitter if necessary. It will be money well spent. If your husband isn't open to it, hire a private investigator to tell you what's going on. Clearly, something is up.
Surprisingly, she does tell her to hire a pet sitter, so that she can go with him on vacation. However, she does not give the advice until midway through her response. The first thing she should have said is that this lady needs to go to her husband and apologize to him for letting the animals get in the way of their relationship. She should be willing to give them up if it means restoring her marriage and getting her husband back. It really is not enough to get a pet sitter for a vacation, for that only shows a short-term willingness to restore a relationship. By being willing to to give up the pets altogether, you show a long-term commitment to your spouse.
They should seek counseling to help them in their relationship. They need to talk, to communicate, to let each other know where they see the problems in their relationship. They need to make a commitment to each other not to let pets, or anything else, come in between their relationship with each other. They do not need to hire a private investigator. That will do nothing to restore trust in each other. That will only continue to drive suspicion and distrust.
Without proper communication in a relationship, it will be destined for failure. Unfortunately, many married couples today do not see the need to communicate with each other. We live our lives, many times barely even taking the time to say hello to each other, much less taking the time to have a deep conversation with each other. We let work, or kids, or sports, or the news come between us, using them as an excuse to not have to communicate. And then we wonder why the divorce rates are so high.
We need to learn to re-connect with our spouses. We need to learn to communicate with our spouses. This is a hard thing to do, especially for men. We do not like to talk on an emotional level. But we need to do that, because, in many cases, that is what our wives need from us. Remember, the marriage is successful when both the husband and wife work at it, and communicate, and work to meet the needs of the other person.
We need to get back to this model in our marriages. Not only will it help marriages last, it will show our kids that a successful marriage takes the hard work of both parties. Marriage is not a one-sided endeavor, but a trip that a man and a woman take together.
4 comments:
Funny thing..you mention that the wife needs to apologize to her husband for letting the pets come between them. Nowhere in the letter does it say that this was HER choice. You are assuming it was her decision to do this. How do you know that this was not the man's idea and she is just submitting to her husband's wishes. It could be his convenient way of keeping the wife at home so he can have the freedom to mess around! You seem really quick to assume the woman is at fault for the problems in the marriage!You state "I am not going to condone the behavior of the husband, but if the wife is rejecting him because the pets are more important to her, can you understand why he might stray in the marriage?" Really?! No, I don't understand it. If he is unhappy or feeling unloved, he should talk to her about it, rather than 'stray'? "Never should straying be condoned, or blamed on the woman..Clearly, you have a skewed view of what Christ meant when he says to love your wife as Christ loves the church. I don't think Jesus would 'understand' a man's adultery, no matter what the wife has has done or not done!!
I thank you for your opinion. However, you completely missed the point. It takes both people to make a marriage work. Letting pets, or business trips, or even children come between a husband and wife will cause strain in a marriage relationship. Marriage is not easy. It takes hard work. And if they have a relationship where she feels that she cannot even approach her husband to ask him a question, then the pets are not the only problem that they have. If you choose to air your dirty laundry to Dear Abby instead of taking it to your spouse and possibly going to counseling, you are not helping the situation.
Concerning the vacations, if it was the husband's idea for someone to stay home with the pets, why isn't the wife putting up a bigger fight to have them placed at the kennel, or have a neighbor take care of them?
If there is any fooling around going on, do I think it is OK? Absolutely not. But if the wife is not meeting the needs of the husband because she is too busy shoing affection to pets, then she can carry part of the blame in the relationship. Believe it or not, men are not always the guilty party.
I agree that the wife should talk to her husband about her concerns. But, if the man is not 'having his needs met' he should talk to her or suggest getting counseling. If a man commits adultery, he is the guilty party! God doesn't say..go ahead and cheat if your needs are not being met!!
And again, you are blaming the woman for staying home with the pets. We have no idea how much of a fight she may be putting up against it. Seems like a double standard among men..you are saying she should be putting up a fight..perhaps she does fight, but gets nowhere and then feels it is her Biblical duty to submit to his authority in the marriage. Isn't that something you preach, too?
We do not even know if the man is cheating. That is an assumption that the wife is making. There could be absolutely nothing going on. We just don't know. And part of the rason I am blaming the woman for the attachment to the pets is that she never says anything about wanting to give them up. She seems to be absolutely OK with the arrangement. Am I making an assumption? Yes, I am. Am I biased in my viewpoint? Yesw, because I am seeing this from a male perspective. Likewise, you are also making assumptions, based on the limited information that we have available to us.
As far as submission goes, it is much deeper than a wife simply doing what the husband tells her to do. The fact is that the husband ought not to have that kind of an influence on the wife. In my opinion, it is not our duty to command our wives to do things. The man should be the leader of the house, but he should not use that position of leadership to become king and everyone else is his servant. However, the goals of the husband and wife should be the same, so they should already be going in the same direction. Obviously, the husband and wife in this Dear Abby article are not even on the same book, much less the same page.
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